2.30 Contamination

let this be a mystery, a little longer, please.
i don’t want to find you
Instagram [even if i look]
or in my contacts or under a search for craft beer


just stay here and leave you here and not contaminate
this memory


I did this just over a year ago. Let me add to it, firsts of May 2016 – May 2017:

** Road tripped to Santa Fe, solo, hostel, sun

** Identified as an artist, water-colored, hosted art dates

** Participated in CO’s finest

** First “real” concert-ish

** NYC, subways, stonewall, all the things

** Danced at a club

** Danced with strangers, fell in love with one, temp.

** Interviewed a bunch and found a therapist

** Discovered bralettes

** Used a ride-sharing service (lyft and uber)

** Watched my MIL and SIL get their nose pierced

** Hosted my first Christmas Dinner, turkey and all

** Participated in my first book club(s)

** Joined a gym, actually went

** Tried (and didn’t finish) a nasty bloody mary

** Had dinner and beer with an ex





participating in bestie’s 30 in 30, June’s month of bad poetry, finally. here’s 1/30.


first) hairdresser’s lecture
second) “no poo less oily”
third) boar bristle brush
forth) wal-mart, $4

Bristle not, so brush. Roots to end.
Oil spread, serum soaked
Wash the boar but not the whore

Boar’s bristle, brush
Boars, bristle brush
Brush brush boar
Bore, born, bare

Boar bristle brush
Bristle bristle rush
[a moment]




I mean, there’s been a lot of new things in 2016. In no relevant order:

** Visited a Toastmasters group

** Had mom dates with complete strangers (one, even without any kids!)

** Invited a million unfamiliar relatives over to my house for meals that I cooked for them

** Read a household organization book and followed through to a happy degree

** Planned and hosted an awesome baby shower

** Adventured DT Denver by myself, multiple times

** Spontaneous hike with the family when we were completely unprepared (flip flops, baby)

** Went to a bar alone and struck a convo with a male stranger (boring….)

** Cooked someone a meal and took it to their house

** Meal planned, seriously

** Expanded my diet to include mushrooms

** Did without my best friends

** Successfully used a Bullet journal

** Completely decorated a room

** Learned how to go out alone with 2 littles in tow

** Let my exbf follow me on twitter and try not to give any fucks

** Spoke honestly to both my mom, my brother, my cousin about my {lack of} faith

All of these are firsts. I wish there was more exciting things to list, but I’m mostly pretty proud of these. And who knows what I’m forgetting.



A few months ago someone on the internet suggested trying things you might fail at as a way to self-discovery. Not sure what self-discovery really means. It’s hard for me not to roll my eyes at the term (hello constant internal negative dialog about anything self-helpy related. thanks fundamentalism), but the idea resonated with me as a good idea. I suppose it’s just another way of prompting one to get outside your comfort zone.

My new things for this month though: Taking a short Coursera class on poetry and attending a local toastmasters club(!). I’ve been wanting to do the latter for years and now that I actually live in a metro, I can. Thursday is a visitors’ breakfast and I’m so glad my husband’s job is flexible enough that I can go with no trouble and no kids. Don’t want to fail at these things but I am open to trying my hand at them despite uncertain results.



From a post by Al Andrews:

Who knowing tears, can be content with laughter?
They wear slowly,
a thin hosing of water, that slides
down the exposed surfaces of rocks,
smoothing them, making runnels in the hard stone,
and sometimes, moaning in the reinforcement of storm,
rushing in floods to the swelling rivers,
picking up pebbles and mud, to race them round
and round in suddenly formed deep pools.
Laughing we forget those who cannot laugh,
but weeping we make a communion.
Tears will soak us through to soil,
down into high, silent caves, where sadness
losing all its sharpness is as soft as air,
and we can bathe naked in the still waters,
sharing unashamedly with other naked folk,
the ravages that brought us there.

—John Bate




What changes the last 5 months have brought, though hard to believe the last 5 months are a full 5 months–they’ve been so full and different. September 1 was hearing my husband was laid off, end of October was him accepting a position in an entirely new state, mid November was me saying goodbye to my employers, and the beginning of December brought me and the babies to Colorado to join my husband. To live there. Here.

Despite my desire to work and pursue accounting+etc., I was so quick to be okay with the plan of not working for an undefined amount of the time. So, here I am, 2 months into this whole not working plan. This place looks like me thanking everything Good that I am in a new place, trying new things, kissing my babies all day and not doing the juggling act of the previous year. This place also looks like me questioning my choice (?) every single day, wondering what I am doing and how I’m going to do it. It’s really difficult not being able to leave for work in the mornings. It’s really difficult to be home all day, especially on the days I know husband is also going to gone all evening.

I don’t even know if I want anything to do with accounting anymore. That’s the acknowledgement that makes me double take, pinch myself, wonder who I am. So yes…Colorado…!!…?