What changes the last 5 months have brought, though hard to believe the last 5 months are a full 5 months–they’ve been so full and different. September 1 was hearing my husband was laid off, end of October was him accepting a position in an entirely new state, mid November was me saying goodbye to my employers, and the beginning of December brought me and the babies to Colorado to join my husband. To live there. Here.
Despite my desire to work and pursue accounting+etc., I was so quick to be okay with the plan of not working for an undefined amount of the time. So, here I am, 2 months into this whole not working plan. This place looks like me thanking everything Good that I am in a new place, trying new things, kissing my babies all day and not doing the juggling act of the previous year. This place also looks like me questioning my choice (?) every single day, wondering what I am doing and how I’m going to do it. It’s really difficult not being able to leave for work in the mornings. It’s really difficult to be home all day, especially on the days I know husband is also going to gone all evening.
I don’t even know if I want anything to do with accounting anymore. That’s the acknowledgement that makes me double take, pinch myself, wonder who I am. So yes…Colorado…!!…?
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….and this is what I found. This is actually answering a lot of questions I’ve had as I work in oil and gas accounting.
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I tend to verbalize my failings and insecurities more than my accomplishments, because I need to work through the former and not the latter. But here’s to #iamaccomplished
- I work ~30 hrs per week, take good care of my 2 babies, AND excel in upper-level accounting classes at a challenging university.
- We eat real food, often. Not all the time, but take-out and frozen foods are definitely less than 50% of our diet
- My kids (generally) wear clean clothes
- I take time to journal in a quiet space on a semi-regular basis
- Husband and I have a mutual desire to have a welcoming home. I don’t know how other people feel when in our home, but we do indeed welcome many people into our home. We are succeeding in our effort to be hospitable people.
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This is a conversation today. Storagebin needs it because it tells me about myself and provides me some hope that the things I struggle with have solutions. (Also, full of thankfulness for this “person” who often keeps me sane)
This conversation is partially edited for clarity.
Okay, so how do you learn to retain? I really don’t know what to do about the fact that I can grasp concepts very easily and I know how to study and ace tests, but I will often come away feeling like I have gained nothing. It’s really discouraging actually and I don’t feel like I’ve found a solution. I feel like so much of my learning and effort from the last 5 years are
wasted. And I don’t want to feel that way about the next 5.
I suspect there is something going in with my auditory processing, though. I hear fine, but I don’t process words and sound well. I also feel like I have speech challenges where the words do not come out of my mouth like I hear them in my head but then I realize I wasn’t even really hearing them in my head. I had speech therapy when I was in kindergarten, and I wonder if it wondered if it was not carried through enough, as my parents didn’t
have the $$ and my christ-centered phonics program (the actual name) miraculously “cured me”.
SO. First, if you can afford it, see a speech therapist. If crucial gaps were missed they’ll be able to find it.
Second, is there anything you have retained? How did you learn that? Do you know which learning style you are?
I’ve considered that, but am afraid they’ll just say I’m fine. Almost anyone I talk to about this (admittedly not professionals) think I’m crazy for thinking I have a speech problem.
You’re not crazy.
I retain after constant use for a long period of time. Which is basically extremely impractical.
If you think there’s a problem, then there’s a problem. Find a doctor that will work with you.
I wonder if you have an undiagnosed learning disorder.
If you do, your accomplishments are simply astounding.
But you’ll need to see a doctor for that kind of diagnosis
If you learn by doing than that’s kinetic and possibly visual.
For me, I’d read the material. I’d say the material. Then I’d use the material in a different arena. That way I covered all bases of learning and made my brain do uncomfortable things.
But… I will often forget after I stop doing it for any length of time. ?
Do you completely forget?
Or it takes a bit to come back?
Eh, not COMPLETELY. So, yes more like it takes a bit to come back, but I will often find myself having to repeat the processing of the material in order to understand it again. It will be quicker than the first time.
Btw, I attach no stigma whatsoever to a learning disorder. It is what it is, get the therapy, etc.
Right. I don’t get that from you. Appreciate your insight.
Do you play through different outcomes in your head? Because I’d do that as well. Helped the neural pathways.
What do you mean?
I don’t actually know a lot about neural pathways but my mom always talked about them. It’s like your training part of your brain to do something and once it’s trained it remembers.
Different scenarios: I’d take a piece of information about history. I’d think about how it relates to a different geographical locations. I play alternative history, what would’ve happened if this didn’t happen? By the end of that mental exercise I’ve attacked the info several differs ways.
And if it helps, I don’t remember everything. I remember what I’ve intensively studied. I remember stories. I don’t remember the order of the Chinese dynasties despite studying them for a semester.
Or much of Chinese literature despite reading 2,000+ pages.
But if I went back to that course of study it would be easier to pick up again, because the pathways are there, just not developed (an analogy), kind of like you describe.
What is it that you’re not retaining? Is it essential to what you’re doing day-to-day?
That’s interesting how you play through different outcomes in your head.
It feels essential at my job–“I know I learned this, I shouldn’t have to spend X amount of time relearning it now that I’m going to use it. I may as well of not had any education in this field!” Probably being dramatic, but it is true. But also, when it comes to not work day-to-day life, it feels extremely detrimental that I can’t remember basic history/science/etc. because my conversations with people tend to die out very quickly because I don’t have information I feel like I should have.
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This is beautiful to me:
If you would have seen this space prior to yesterday, you would understand. I am so proud.
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Recently my SIL was laughing at me—since she’s moved in, I’ve commented numerous times on how little I read. She laughed at me when I spent a whole weekend buried in a book. I see how that would be amusing, but I tried to prove my point to her by listing all the books that I’ve read in the last 3.5 years since I’ve been married. To my knowledge folks, this is the list in entirety (in general order of consumption):
- Anne Lamott’s autobiography, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
- Blue Like Jazz
- Monkey Town (Rachel Held Evens)
- When We Were on Fire (faith memoir by Addie Zierman)
- Dorothy Sayers book referenced in previous post
- Fire (fantasy by Kristin Cashore)
- A Thousand Splendid Suns
- Leaving Time (Jodi Piccoult)
Truthfully, I write this list to motivate myself, because who reads this little?! Trying to instigate Monday library night in this family and crossing my fingers that I’ll let myself become lost all weekend in a book again soon.
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When I posted last, I was approaching the point of being able to take a single class each semester at my Alma mater for the looow fee of $50.00 per semester. Naturally, since I was working in accounting and I didn’t think my boss would take kindly to me for missing work so I could take art classes, I decided to pursue additional accounting education. Here I am, having finished Intermediate Accounting 1 and 2, gained 4 hours of upper level accounting credit for a cooperative work experience and have just began Tax 1. Yep. Counting this semester, I just have 6 classes left (18 hours) before I am CPA eligible, which is obviously my new goal.
All of this came with a change of employer–instead of working in the construction industry, I’m working for a small accounting firm close to home. So close to home that I go home on my lunch breaks and kiss my babies (yes, plural) and husband. The work is incredibly different than my job as a “financial accountant” and I’m baffled by my insecurities. Taking classes again pegged me as a student and the title makes me feel little. Being in a new workplace and finding how much I needed to learn also made me question my abilities. A year later, much of my confidence has returned but only because I’m choosing to ignore the voices that belittle me. I am charging through with bold questions instead of hiding behind a silent ignorance. So in this space, I am going to record and recite the answers to the questions that make me feel stupid.
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